October 19th, 2007
I try very hard to not participate in this debate normally, but I frequent a board where it is vicious. I haven’t delved into the issue there, but it has gotten me to thinking, especially given my current work situation. I have now been on both sides, and to be honest, I have no idea which I prefer. Granted, I have been on the SAHM side for the infancy of my children, and for the beginning stages of toddlerhood I was on the Working Mom side. These two periods are different. Of that, I am sure.
What it boils down to for me, is what will make the woman happiest with the choices she has made at the end of her life? For me, I think I will need to know that I gave my all to my children when the depended on me most, which I define as infancy. That is not to say that I am not and will not be a fully involved parent when my sons are on the little league teams, when they are figuring out which girl to ask to their first dance or it would be better to go stag, when they are preparing college entrance essays, when they are watching their bride (or groom) walk down the aisle. It is to say, though, that at those points in my life, and theirs, it is likely that I will need to be able to define myself as more than a mother.
For now, I need and want to define myself as a mother foremost against any other definitions. (I will be a wife, a friend, a reader, a writer, a cook, a daughter and exhausted for every second of my life. Those definitions aren’t going anywhere, but some definitions can certainly be extricated from my current rolodex of Briannas.)
Posted in Children
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That’s basically what we’re (I’m) doing. I’m staying at home with the boys until they start school (it’d be earlier, I think, for the social aspect of daycare but daycare around here is too expensive even if I were working), then working part or full time while they’re filling their brains with ultimately useless information.
I know what you mean about not understanding the point of the “war”. I’ve not been on both sides, but I think I understand enough to be able to appreciate the gives and takes of the working side as opposed to the stay at home side. I don’t think it should matter what you do, as long as you’re happy. But then, I don’t think people should step on other people’s toes as much as they do either. I’m just crazy, I guess.
Having worked fulltime, mothered, worked part time, mothered and worked fulltime. I don’t know if I have an answer either. I do know that bowing out of the debate is best. I am doing what is best for me and subsequently my children. Like you said you will be involved no matter what you do and no matter what stage they are in. It is finding the balance. I am also a firm believer in being a role model for my children. I want them to know it is okay to work hard and have a family. I also believe that it is not written that because I am the mother I must do all the cleaning or cooking.. Once I gave up the idea of being superwoman things got a lot easier. I don’t care if SAHMs think I’m less because I have a cleaning person come twice a month. I am balancing my time with my children and have decided to spend the time I have being their mother not the housekeeper. I really don’t think anyone really understands another mother’s decision to work or not work. I do think we should all be aware of how hard the choice is because that seems to be universal. I do feel for women who do not get to choose, who must stay home or work for whatever reason.